Miscarriages Are Not Fun

Jon Mark and I have been trying to get pregnant for a few months now, and I guess the "trying" part has never been much fun for me.  I just can't seem to not stress out about it.  Besides, I don't like the waiting game of wondering whether or not I'm pregnant for the two weeks after the fertile time period every month.  I wish I could sit back and enjoy it all, but it's just not the easiest time for me.  Well, I was super excited when I found out last week that we were pregnant.  It never happens this fast for us (it would have only taken us three months this time around to get pregnant).  The waiting game was over and we were already thinking of a few names.  We decided on Leia if it was a girl (and ironically, we both liked the name Luke if it was a boy--but I swear we are not crazy Star Wars fans).  We decided that we wouldn't tell anyone we were pregnant and that I would just arrive at Christmas time with my pregnant belly and a shirt that said Surprise! #3 May 5th 2011.  That would have been really funny.  But, I guess our plans have been a little altered... surprise, I was pregnant, but now I'm not. 

Today I started to bleed--a lot--not just spotting.  It stopped for a couple of hours, but now it has started again.  I haven't passed the tissue yet, so I am just waiting for the pain of that to start.  I'll be honest, it's been an emotional and disappointing day for me today.  I know that I was only five weeks along, so I guess I am a little amazed that it would cause me to be so sad.  I guess that that positive test result was my first little token of attachment to this pregnancy.  Afterall, the saying goes, "Before you were conceived, I wanted you.  Before you were born I loved you.  And, before you were two minutes old, I would have died for you."  Those are my thoughts.  I wanted this baby.  I still want this baby.  I guess I will just have to wait awhile longer, and that's not too bad.  Until then, I guess I am allowed to be a little sad and disappointed.