Nuchal Trans Test, and My Emotions Regarding It

The last few days have been a bit emotional for the McAvoy household. I went in for a routine first trimester scan and was told that our baby had a "strong possibility of being born with Down's Syndrome". I was quoted to have a 1/100 chance. But, the doctor labeled me high risk and said that there was a strong possibility. I was concerned.

They based this off of a test called the nuchal translucency test (measures the fluid behind the neck). My NT was 3.7mm and they like it to be somewhere under 3.0 (although most websites say 2.8mm but I have heard both). I was above the 99%tile which increased my risk.

Jon Mark and I went in to a genetic counselor and they started off telling us that my blood test was sooo normal so they weren't really thinking that my baby had Down's anymore. Good news, right? Except, they went on the say that because my NT was so high, I had a 30% chance that some other defective anomaly was happening (or had happened). Suddenly, I went from feeling relieved to all of a sudden realizing that my odds had just changed from 1/100 to approx. 3/10. Not good.

I was devastated and distraught. So was Jon Mark. I cried a lot those next two days, and I did a lot of research on the internet (which I probably shouldn't have done). I didn't really want to talk to anybody about it, because I was so emotionally unstable whenever the topic was brought up.

I had come to terms with the fact that I may have a baby with Down's Syndrome, but suddenly I had no clue what we may be facing since there are hundreds of birth defects and chromosomal disorders to be had.

I'm trying to be optimistic, we both are.

Before I had the first trimester screen, I was driving down the road when I had the very distinct thought that my baby may be born with Down's Syndrome. My first emotion was panic. Why would I have that thought? That would be horrible. But, the thought immediately after was one of complete peace of mind, more specifically, it was impressed upon my mind that it would be okay. It would all work out. That feeling of peace replaced the panic that I had previously felt. Looking back, I can't help but wonder if perhaps the Lord was trying to prepare me for what would be a scary time. And, that I needed that strength to get me through the ultrasound and following doctor's visits. One week later, I had the NT test, and was told of the risk. That test began this journey of confusion and waiting, testing, and concern and even more waiting.

Whenever thoughts of doubt or great anxiety enter my mind, I try desperately to push them out with that thought of peace that I had experienced prior to the ultrasound appointment. Sometimes, when I am feeling that peace, thoughts of doubt will still enter my mind and try to convince me that I'm not at peace, really I am just in denial. I think at times like these, I know deep down that it is peace I am feeling and that it comes from the many prayers that are being offered up in my behalf. I do know that it will all work out. While we are hoping and praying for a baby that is of a healthy mind and body, we are trying not to fear the possibility that it may be formed with some sort of defect.

I recognize that the next four weeks (hopefully my level II ultrasound will be able to give us some more answers at 18 weeks) will probably bring me all sorts of emotions. I know that at times I will be afraid, and at other times I may feel completely lost or completely crazy with anxiety. But I will do my best to allow myself to grow at this time and to focus on how this experience might bring me closer to my Savior. It already has. When I think of the Savior performing miricles of healing, I can't help but feel more gratitude because I attach the thought of His healing power to someone that I already love. Also, last night, as I was feeling a little anxious, I had the thought of surrenduring my burden to the Lord, because "his yoke is easy and his burden is light". In my mind, I envisioned myself actually handing over a mound of my "burden" and placing it upon His ever capable shoulders. I was in that moment just before falling asleep, but I remember it feeling very real, like I had just handed my burden over, quite literally, to the Lord. It felt physical, like I could feel the relief quite literally. Perhaps that's why I feel so much more comfort today. Perhaps that's why I can talk about it without crying today.

Some people have asked me why I am getting so worried about something when there is still a 70% chance that all is normal. Jon Mark put it this way... imagine that someone came to you and said that there is just over a 1 in 4 chance that something very terrible will happen to your child at school tomorrow. Would you send that child to school? Or, would you be concerned and keep him home? Yes, the odds are technically in our favor, but there is still concern ever present. Our job is to try to balance that concern with our trust in our Heavenly Father and in His plan for us and our family. And, yes, it will all work out in the end. And those are my thoughts for today.