Opposition and Bonding

This picture was taken shortly after coming home from the hospital.

Where has the time gone??? My baby boy is turning two next month and my baby girl is almost six weeks old. Not to mention, I am closer to thirty than twenty (have been for the last couple of years) and my husband is staring thirty right in the face. I've hesitated about writing this post because it's so personal. Some of the feelings I've had I haven't really shared with anyone. But, I thought to write it in case someone else finds themselves in a similar situation, they won't feel like they're alone.

So, how have I been feeling...

Physically--EXHAUSTED! Why hasn't someone informed my toddler that he's supposed to be sleeping through the night consistently, and that he's supposed to be going to bed without crying himself to sleep at the foot of the door. (He has been informed MANY times, but I guess just not in a way that he finds effective).

Spiritually--Great, except I can't remember the last time I was able to sit through an entire three hour block without nursing or walking the halls.

Emotionally--That one is a roller coaster... funny how it seems to coincide with the amount of sleep I have gotten.

Mentally--Sometimes I feel I am going insane.

My clothes don't fit, my hair is falling out (literally--thanks to all of those hormone fluctuations), I'm tired and sometimes cranky, I'm happy, I feel I have a handle on things, I feel I don't have a handle on things, I'm energetic, I'm sluggish, I have a hearty appetite, I forget to eat, there aren't enough hours in the day to get important things done like the laundry and floors, there's too much time in the day and we're bored, not enough time in the day to be a little selfish and do something just for myself (I find the shower to be my own little piece of heaven)... you get the idea.

Seriously, I would be lying if I said that all things are under control 100% of the time and that having this new baby has been a cakewalk (sometimes I feel that way, but sometimes I don't). Having Mercedes was different from when I had Joshua. With Joshua, he was soooo easy. We were living with my parents at the time and so I had it pretty easy as well. My mom did the housework, shopping, and cooking, all I had to do was hold and admire my new little baby. And I was so in love with my baby. I was amazed at how Jon Mark and I could produce something so perfect. I was amazed by each tiny feature, and I loved the way he stretched and stretched. I guess the second time around, I was already nervous about how things would go before I even had Mercedes. I couldn't imagine that I would be capable of loving another child as much as I loved my first. How could that be possible when I loved my Joshua so much? So, when Mercedes came, and I held that little stranger in my arms, I felt guilty for not being swept away with such strong similar emotions of love and admiration right away. Instead, I was worried about Joshua. He seemed to have become unattached to me a little (and he had always been such a mamma's boy) and I was worried about how I was going to cope when I got home from the hospital. When I did get home, I think the fluctuation of hormones did cause a minor case of the baby blues, but Mercedes had all of a sudden become a little more difficult to manage. She cried a lot more than I was used to, and she didn't sleep long stretches at night, I was sleep deprived and was falling way behind in my household chores. I was feeling like a failure as a mother because one child was a little unattached, and because the other child needed to much attention (nursing every hour). I felt like a failure for allowing Joshua to watch so much TV while Mercedes nursed. And, I felt guilty that I was feeling like the bonding wasn't happening the way I thought it should.

But, then I had an experience the other night that not only changed my perspective, but had really opened up my eyes to this little stranger wrapped so tightly in her swaddler. I was feeling discouraged, but as I held my sweet baby in my arms and nursed her, she smiled at me. In that moment, everything seemed perfect. In that moment, I knew that I loved her as much as my first-born, I knew she was perfect to me, and I knew that her little spirit was so fresh from heaven that how could I not cherish each little moment that happened after. Looking down at her, I recognized just how much she had grown since giving birth to her. I stroked her peach-fuzzed head and kissed her super chubby cheeks. Suddenly, as difficult as the newborn time period is, I didn't want anything to change. I felt I could feel her growing in my arms, she's growing and changing so fast--just like my Joshua. Couldn't I just freeze time a little? Or at least slow it down... I found myself wanting to cherish every moment, and not miss a single thing. I feel blessed by my children, they are my little glimpses of heaven.

Joshua has pretty much returned to his normal self (except for the lack of sleeping--oh wait, that was pretty normal, too). Mercedes has become sooo much better in terms of fussiness. And, I feel better knowing that I am strongly, and absolutely bonded to both of my children.