A Rollercoaster Ride

This post is titled "A Roller coaster Ride", but I don't mean it in the literal sense. Rather, this pregnancy has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. It all began with the scary nuchal translucency test when doctors told me that it was highly possible that my baby had Downs Syndrome. Well, a blood test later, I was reassured that while my baby did not have Downs, it was then highly likely that my baby had a handful of other genetic disorders or birth defects. Once again, Jon Mark and I felt very confused and worried. An ultrasound later, we were assured that everything looked fine, and perhaps all was well. Fast forward to last week... I had two more ultrasounds because I was measuring two weeks ahead of what I was supposed to be measuring. The first ultrasound showed a big baby, more amniotic fluid than normal, but nothing substantial. The second ultrasound showed a large increase in the baby's size and in the amount of fluid. All of a sudden, the doctor gave me a 50/50 chance that the baby has what is called Beckwith-Wiedemann Syndrome. I was measuring nearly four weeks ahead, which is a common thread for baby's with the syndrome and apparently I had enough amniotic fluid in there that the doctor could "poke me from across the room and not worry about hitting the baby" (when speaking of doing an amnio.).

As the doctor was explaining everything to me, my first thought was denial. "No, I had a very normal ultrasound at 18 weeks. Everything looked fine, all is well with my baby."  But, the doctor kept talking as she talked, it all started to sink in. And I began to cry. I remembered how the Lord had prepared me very distinctly before the scary nuchal translucency test, and I remembered how my fear was changed into faith and hope. I wanted to feel that again, but I was unprepared for the news and was really in quite a shock. Jon Mark wasn't with me, and I wanted to feel his strength.  One of the qualities that attracted me to Jon Mark was his optimism.  Over 7 years of marriage, he continues to see the world as a glass half full.  He bouys me up, he is steady, and he helps me replenish my hope when it is depleted.  When I told him of the news, I was very upset and could hardly get the words out.  But, he was very reassuring that all would be well, and I believe him.

I think that the hardest of the trial, so far, is the not knowing.  I was driving myself crazy as I wondered which side of the coin would win the coin toss.  Jon Mark and I decided that we would plan as though Hannah has BWS, we would pray for a miracle, but we would ultimately trust Heavenly Father and trust in his will.  This has helped.  The timing is tricky since we plan on moving two weeks following the birth.  Insurance is an issue, as is the possibility that I will have to have a c-section.  But, as we trust in Heavenly Father, we feel comforted that all will be well. 

As I was reading the scriptures (Ether Chapter 2), I tried to relate the verses to this particular trial I am experiencing.  I noticed that the chapter began with the Jaredites preparing for the crossing of the great waters.  To me, the "great waters" represented our trials.  We prepare for the trials we are to face by staying true to our covenants and by doing those things we have been taught to do which build our faith and trust in God.  As we read the scriptures, attend the temple, say our prayers etc., we are preparing for our crossing of "the many waters".  In verse 15, the Lord tells the brother of Jared  "And these are my ^cthoughts upon the land which I shall give you for your inheritance; for it shall be a land ^dchoice above all other lands." We know two things from these words, 1) the trial of crossing the water comes from the Lord.  Our trials, when not a trial of consequence due to our agency, are given to us from the Lord.  2) Our trials, if we remain faithful, will result in beautiful things.  The brother of Jared was promised a choice land, a land that would be free from bondage and captivity so long as the people remained faithful and continued to serve God. 

In verse 16, the brother of Jared is commanded to go to work.  Further down in the verse, it says that the brother of Jared went to work.  Our trials aren't meant to be easy.  They are meant to test us, to see what we're made of, to help us grow, and to ultimately help us reach perfection.  But, first, we must go to work.  In this chapter, work meant building barges.  In our day, work may be of the more spiritual kind.  However, no matter how we work through our trials, we ought to do as the brother of Jared did, and that is to continually ask the Lord what he would have us do.  The brother of Jared is concerned about the lack of light.  He doesn't want to cross the water in darkness.  Neither should we expect to cross our own "waters" in darkness.

22: O Lord, behold I have done even as thou hast commanded me; and I have prepared the vessels for my people, and behold there is no light in them. Behold, O Lord, wilt thou suffer that we shall cross this great water in darkness?"

 

The brother of Jared knew that the Lord was the source of all light.  In faith, he asks the Lord to be his light in the darkness.

 

Ether 3: 4 And I know, O Lord, that thou hast all ^apower, and can do whatsoever thou wilt for the benefit of man; therefore touch these stones, O Lord, with thy ^bfinger, and prepare them that they may shine forth in darkness; and they shall shine forth unto us in the vessels which we have prepared, that we may have ^clight while we shall cross the sea.

 

No matter our trial, our sorrow, our heartache, or our tears, the Lord can be our light in the darkness.  We can attain the comfort that comes from the Holy Ghost and from submitting our will to the Lord's will.  If we have the faith to believe that the Lord knows us, he loves us, and he wants us to be successful, then we can also have the comfort of knowing that all things will be for our benefit, even our dark days can have light.

 

Ever since I read this scripture, my focus has been on trusting in my Savior.  I haven't cried, I have instead felt very stable in my emotions.  My heart feels lighter as I have received a new sense of trust and hope.  I believe that everything will be okay.  I believe that all will be well.  Perhaps this sense of faith comes from a combination of this scripture passage as well as the many prayers that have been offered up to Heaven in behalf of myself and my baby.  I have felt strengthened. 

 

I am thankful for the gospel.  I am thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I am thankful for the scriptures. 

 

If trials are meant to show us what were made of, than I hope that I can show I am made of what it takes to prove myself to the Lord.  :)