I've been feeling this little baby move quite a bit recently and it got me thinking about going through labor and delivery again. It comes with mixed feelings. I was thinking about the first time I became a mother. I didn't have a blog at the time of Joshua's birth, so I don't believe that I recorded it in here. Mercedes' has been recorded. I'm warning you that it's long... but so was the experience.
When I was nearing the end with Joshua, all I felt was pure elation. I knew it would hurt, but I went into it thinking that maybe I would have a higher pain tolerance than the gazillion women who went before me and that it wouldn't be that bad. All I cared about was holding my baby in my arms and seeing what he looked like. Man, I was so naive. The second time around, I felt anxiety and joy, but mostly anxiety.
As Joshua's due date approached, I did everything I could to prepare for his arrival. I cleaned and folded all of his clothes. I imagined how he would look in them. I carefully made sure that everything I would need at the hospital was packed. And, I tried everything from jumping jacks to running to try and bring on the labor. A week after his due date passed, I awoke around 1 in the morning to some strong, consistent pains. They proceeded all of that night and into the next day. My mom didn't believe that I could be in labor because I was able to walk around with minimal moaning, this just made me think all the more that I was the exception to the pain, and it was the last thing on my mind. I felt pure excitement that Joshua was coming soon. The pain continued and to get my mind off of it, we decided to go to the mall and walk around. I still hadn't called Jon Mark home from work, because I guess a part of me believed that I might not be in true labor because my mom and others had told me that I would be unable to do anything but writhe in pain. At the mall (at about four pm), I lost my mucus plug and soon after, I felt something very wet. I told my mom that I thought I had just felt my water break, again, she said I would know if I had. More fluid came, and then more, it was just a slow trickle really. But once I had felt my water break (because it was indeed my water breaking) the true pain started. I called the nurse to ask her if she thought I had needed to go to the hospital yet, and as I talked to her, I could barely get the words out. I called Jon Mark and told him to meet me at the hospital. It was August 13th, my dad's birthday, so we quickly sang Happy Birthday and blew out the candles on his cake before I headed out the door with my mom.
Jon Mark was already at the hospital when I got there and I was beside myself with pain. It still wasn't as bad as it would get, but all of a sudden I began to feel something other than pure elation and excitement. All of a sudden, I was scared. I was little-child-scared-of the boogy-man scared. Was I really prepared to be a mother? I thought I was, but what did I really know about being a mother anyway? Was I going to be able to live through the pain I was beginning to feel? How would I get through this? I was blessed with an exceptional husband. I was falling apart, and he was as steady as could be. He stroked my hair and wiped my tears as he reassured me that I was going to be fine, that he loved me, and that our baby was coming and we could do it. Together I did know we could do it, but I don't know what I would have done if he wasn't there beside me.
At about eight that evening, I thought (at that time I would have told you that I knew) I was dying. My body had become a battlefield. I never knew I could feel that much pain and survive. I think it's a blessing that a woman can kind of "forget" the pain after a little while, otherwise I'm sure the human race would have a difficult time multiplying. I felt I was walking in the valley of the shadow of death, that's truly how I felt. I was scared. But, in spite of the pain, I was more scared each time Joshua's heart rate had dropped. They put me on oxygen and forced me to lay on my side. I was mad about this at the time, I'm not sure why. I kept asking the nurse if the pain was going to get worse, and I cried each time she told me it would. I was in too deep and there was no turning back now, even if I had wanted to.
I was so intent of having a natural childbirth, but after 18 hours of labor and pain, I was ready to succumb and receive an epidural. I'm not sure why I felt the need to do so, but I actually apologized to Jon Mark for not being "woman enough". He assured me that he hated seeing me in pain and had wanted me to get an epidural hours ago and that I had nothing to apologize for.
I loved the epirdual as long as I had one. When it came time to push, Joshua got kind of stuck in the birth canal. No matter what I did, he wasn't coming out. They turned my epidural completly off. If I had thought that the pain I felt prior to this stage was bad enough, I was in for a devastating surprise. There's no way to describe the kind of pain I was in at this point. There was intense pressure, a burning sensation (to put it mildly), and it felt like my lower half was in tug of war with my upper half. My lower half felt like it was being torn into two. I hit a wall at this point, I cried and said that I couldn't go on. I begged for a c-section, I was mad when they told me that they wouldn't give me one. At one point my mom told me that she could see his head and that he had blond hair. This gave me strength and courage. But, then the head went away. This seemed to happen a few times and each time I found myself discouraged. I was ready to give up. This lasted for about 4 and a half hours. Finally, at 5:08 on August 14th, Joshua was born.
I thought he was beautiful. I didn't even notice the cone-shaped head that he had from being stuck in my birth canal for such a long time. I didn't even notice the spot where the doctor had used the forceps. I loved his big lips, swollen eyes, and pinkish skin. I thought he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and I loved him from the start. At this point, my body was shaking so badly from the stress it had just gone through that I didn't think I could hold him without dropping him. I think Jon Mark and my mom held him before I did. My mom kept encouraging me to hold him and that she'd help me hold him so I wouldn't drop him. I did. It was beautiful. It made the pain I experienced before, and the pain I'd experience in the healing process after, worth it. I felt closer to my husband. I loved seeing him in that new light--the sight of him encouraging me to keep pressing forward when I didn't think I could, and the sight of him as a new father.
I have recently told Joshua about his birth day (in kid terms) and he said, "When I came out of your belly I made you a mommy. And that made you so happy that you cried and cried and daddy had to put you in time out." I love you, Joshua. I can't believe you're going to be turning 4 this August. You're such a happy, well-mannered, imaginative, funny, little train-obsessed boy!
1 comment:
this was sooo beautiful!!
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