Fear

I try really hard not to pass my phobias on to my children.  I do.  I mean, I HATE bugs.  HATE THEM!  But, boys seem to have an innate fascination with them, and my job is to encourage all things boyish for my little boy.  So, I have taken to holding worms, potato bugs, water bugs, and the like.  I squash ants, even the big ones.  I drown mosquitoes, who cares for them anyway.  And, when Joshua wanted to save a worm to show daddy, well, it was I that created a nice snug home for it in a mason jar.  I swear I didn't know that without moisture the worm would shrivel up and die in a matter of hours... okay, it was overnight, but who knew.  Joshua had forgotten about it by morning anyway, so it was I who scrapped the dead, dried out worm from the bottom of the jar.  It was stuck to it like glue.  The point?  Well, the point is that I try not to pass my fears onto my kids as I so previously stated.

When Jon Mark is out of town, I am scared.  I really don't know how people can sanely live alone.  I give you kudos.  But, for me, I always manage to convince myself that whenever Jon Mark is out of town, the bad guys will come and bad things will happen.  I used to sleep with a rolling pin (blunt object) and my cell phone.  Now I sleep with my taser.  I think of all the possible outcomes and how I can help my children escape.  I booby trap the house and leave all of the lights on during the night.  Sometimes I fall asleep in front of the TV because I wouldn't be able to fall asleep otherwise.  But, as far as I know, I never let any of this show to my children.  I guess I was wrong. 

The other day, Joshua and Mercedes came down into the basement with me to finish the laundry.  Joshua looked a little scared, I think it was night time and Jon Mark has been staying late at school finishing up assignments.  I asked Joshua what was wrong, and he just turned to me and said, quite matter-of-factly, "I can't wait for Daddy to come home so we're safe again."  Yeah, I think I did that to him.  Poor kid.